I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
