i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
