So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
40s are totally the cure
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
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