he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
This is classic penis vs brain.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
