Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating