Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
