It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
