I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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