It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
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