So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
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Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
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Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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