Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
