that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
