Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
