so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
