Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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