So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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