I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
