some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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