Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
