i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
