my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
