After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
She made me pour olive oil on her.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
