She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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