is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
