I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
