just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
