How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
