How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
