I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
