matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
