i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
