It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
