Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
