Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
