the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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