My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
