This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
