you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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