Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
