I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
