remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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