Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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