you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
