Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
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