I wanna bring you to show and tell
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
