forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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