god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
17 year olds will be the death of me.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
