Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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