Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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