Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
