Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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