I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
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I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
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I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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