tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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